The Griswold Effect
By Kristin L. Daley, PhD, FSBSM
The holidays are here, and so are one of my favorite challenges of modern parenting, something that I like to call “The Griswold Effect” or, as a verb, “Griswolding.” If you are familiar with the National Lampoon Vacation series of movies, then you may already be comfortable with the Griswold Effect. It is best summarized in the following interchange between Ellen and Clark Griswold in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation:
Ellen: You set standards that no family can live up to.
Clark: When have I done that?
Ellen: Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays...
Clark: Goodnight, Ellen
Ellen: Vacations, graduations
Full disclosure, I felt very connected to the Vacation series because of the fact that they seem to pull themes from our own family vacations growing up. My only memory of our trip to the Grand Canyon was the fact that our parents bought spears for me and my brother with which we tortured each other for years to come. We went on an epic trip to Europe and my father found himself driving through a pedestrian-only square creating fear in the Italian citizens around us. My father was a sweet man with an incredible temper, and he usually had massive tantrums that accompanied these wrong turns. He was very tall, and none of us will ever forget the time we stayed in an old hotel in Austria where the door frames were shorter than him- it was a long series of BOOM and then dad yelling “DAMMIT” over and over and over again. We had a tendency to be pretty miserable on our vacations.
My father on a Swiss Alp, likely about to peg my mother with a snowball.
When we are Griswolding, we set expectations for events that would never be possible for any normal family with normal family dynamics to achieve. We overlook individual differences and set our sights on ideals. It is the embodiment of the perfect social media post. One of my clients once recognized the behavior as trying to make their family fit into a Norman Rockwell painting. We try to convince ourselves that the social media version of reality is actually the truth we can create. Obviously, when we Griswold, we set ourselves up for disappointment. So, how do we avoid this toxic practice? Here are 4 distinct ways.
Practice Radical acceptance of your family. Radical acceptance is the practice of fully accepting circumstances exactly as they are. It is radical, because the acceptance is complete and entire. What this looks like in practice is really trying to accommodate individual differences and personal struggles rather than expecting that a specific holiday or environment will make things different. For example, our kids are pretty miserable when they get too far off their schedule, so we usually stick to a pretty similar schedule when on vacation. My father could never stand to wait at restaurants, so it would have been much better if we planned for reservations rather than going from place to place to find the shortest wait (we would do this for HOURS on holidays).
Collaborate with all key players. It is essential to understand experiences from everyone’s individual perspective, not the picture you might be trying to paint. In the Daley family, we have a meeting where we discuss schedules, any desired plans, and try to get a good idea of what expectations each person might have. At our last beach vacation, we picked a property that was on a canal, because many Daleys are happier spending time fishing than laying on the beach. When the kids were younger, they were not as cognitively flexible, so it was helpful to even give them a day or circumstance that would predict the activity- e.g. we will go to a movie on Friday or earlier, if it rains.
Create breaks in your schedule. The first time that I went to Europe with my husband, we created a tour of as many countries as possible in our limited number of days. In all trips since, we have decided that fewer places with more time is a much nicer arrangement. I usually try to aim for plans for 2/3 of the amount of time for the vacation, so we have plenty of opportunity to rest and relax.
Name that story. It can be helpful to imagine what sitcom or movie would be named after your holiday experience, and use the name as a way to create an alternative perspective. For some families, it can be helpful to imagine that they are the Simpsons, because you would not have true comedy without something falling apart. Another approach I like people to take is to imagine that they are starring in a holiday movie- the plot is always moved along with some disappointment or failed plans.
Debrief. When the holidays have passed, try to meet as a group to discuss what went well, and what was not the greatest part of the time. It is likely that there will be some places of agreement and some areas that are controversial. Try to make sure everyone is heard and consider how the plans for the next year might be adapted.
I hope that these tips will help you plan a Griswold-free family holidays. If it happens to fall apart, then try to at least laugh at yourself as well as you can!
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