Supporting Those Who Are Grieving

BY Alexandra Halberstadt, phd

Losing a loved one is an experience we all will likely face at some point, yet it is often hard for us to show up for our loved ones that are grieving. We may not know what to say or do, or we may feel uncomfortable discussing death. We may also have expectations for how one should grieve, and this can be at odds with the griever’s own inner wisdom. In this blog post, I want to provide some guidance on supporting those who are grieving.

Grief looks different for every individual and will change over time, and we can support our loved ones by walking beside them in their grief, offering support and acceptance, and allowing them to grieve in their own time and in their own way. We can do this without pathologizing normal reactions to loss or expecting people to “move on” quickly.

There is no one way to feel grief and navigate the grieving process.

Grief can affect us emotionally, psychologically, socially, physically, and economically (Cacciatore, 2017). Many reactions to death loss are normal:

Numbness, feeling outside of your body, feeling like you are moving in slow motion
Intense agony/distress
Intense anger or impatience
Guilt/Shame
Apathy/loss of interest
Fear/worry/anxiety about death or that others may die
Increase in impulsive behaviors
Changes in appetite, energy, sleep, weight
Crying
Physical pain
Sensing the person who died is still there (seeing, smelling, hearing them)

One important concept I always teach clients is that our brain is a prediction machine. When we lose someone close to us, the brain continues to predict their presence based on our previous experience (O’Connor, 2022). This can manifest in many ways: for example, grievers may see glimpses of their loved ones, hear them, or assume they are there when they wake up in the morning. This is a normal part of the brain re-wiring after a loss.

Do not label grief as a personal failing or as an abnormal reaction to loss.

Our society is often fearful of emotional expression, and many of us have few rituals and traditions that honor the dead. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore writes in Bearing the Unbearable that our country is “hostile to grief and the mortality salience it brings with it” (p. 24). This can create pressure to “move on,” “get over it,” or return to normal. These expectations can deepen a griever’s pain and lead to self-blame for experiencing what are, in fact, normal reactions to loss.

Do not avoid talking about death and loss.

Grief can be uncomfortable to witness, and it’s normal to want to avoid being uncomfortable. But avoidance often leads to grievers feeling more isolated, dismissed, fearful, and abnormal. While grievers remember their loved one, it may feel that others are avoiding talking about or remembering them.

The key elements of compassion can help us to support others when they are grieving. These elements are recognizing suffering, understanding that suffering is universal, and actively engaging with others to alleviate their suffering. With compassion, we can cultivate the strength to turn towards others’ pain and witness it with them. Say the name of their loved one, remember anniversaries, and let the person know you haven’t forgotten their loved one.

Gently encourage and support the griever in engaging with self-care.

It is important for those that are grieving to love and care for themselves, in small ways, as they are able (Cacciatore, 2017). This capacity may change day to day and hour to hour. Self-care can include eating well, movement, getting enough sleep, being surrounded by loved ones, and engaging in hobbies.

Learn more about grief and its many manifestations.

Bearing the Unbearable by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore is a great resource for learning about traumatic grief, as well as the MISS Foundation, which focuses on those grieving the death of a child. Geraldine Brook’s Memorial Days is a memoir about loss and learning to live with grief. The Being Well Podcast has a great episode with Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor which talks about why grief is so intense and how grief works in the brain. Tara Brach also has talks about grief and practices to be with the intense emotions that come along with grief.