Adopt These Four Basic Beliefs and Improve your Relationships
One of the favorite parts of my job is the work I get to do with families in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). This therapy was specifically developed to help people who struggle to manage intense emotions, and participating in DBT therapy can be a masterclass in emotional intelligence. Here are the basic DBT beliefs that everyone really should know:
People are doing the best they can. No one really wakes up thinking about how they can make bad choices, but are likely struggling with significant challenges. People who seem to try to do the bare minimum or put in no effort at all can have a lot of psychological barriers to pushing themselves harder, barriers that can feel like complete obstructions. The major elements that create internal satisfaction are relationships with others, approval from others, accomplishments, and feeling valuable. When people are unable to get moving or try harder, chances are that they have very little belief that they can do a good job and/or that doing a good job will have a positive outcome for them. Drop your expectations to match where they are, not where you want them to be.
We cannot read minds. After all of the years of graduate training in psychology and clinical practice of psychology, I would like to think I am pretty great at reading people. Truth is, I can read people really well if I don’t know them well, because I have no bias that is influencing my judgement. As soon as you know someone well, your ability to read them drops significantly. We tend to create stereotypes and rely more on our internal stereotypes rather than being open to new information. It is important to tune into your own bias, and question your conclusions. A simple approach is to check your interpretations with a trusted person, “When I saw you do X, the story in my head was Y.” The more you realize that your internal story is inaccurate, the easier it is to take people at face value and rely less on your internal dialogue.
There is no absolute truth. In eyewitness testimony, people who are very certain that their version of events is the most correct are also likely to be inaccurate (Psycnet). I have a pair of earrings that one of my daughters often asks to borrow. I have never allowed her to wear them because they would be costly to replace. A few months ago, I went to wear the earrings and they were missing. I immediately “knew” what had happened, my daughter had taken them without permission. I approached her with the accusation, and she vehemently denied it. I punished her because I “knew” she was simply lying. A few weeks later, I happened to open my travel jewelry case and saw the earrings; I had forgotten that I packed them for my last trip. I owned my mistake, apologized profusely, and made amends, but I also know that the false accusation was a dent in our relationship. Even when you know that you know, be open to the idea that you very well can be wrong.
Live the values you want others to have. I cannot tell you how often I hear people giving others expectations for behaviors they are unwilling to perform themselves. We have all been there, some well-meaning person hops in to give you advice for a scenario and you can tell they have never actually had to walk in that situation. For example, parents often want their children to read, but the best way to encourage reading is to be a reader and model it to your children. People won’t question your desire to leave the smart phone off at dinner if it is something that you already regularly practice.
Not to get all biblical on you, but the whole “pay attention to the log in your own eye before you point out the sliver in another’s” is a pretty great approach to relationships. Focus on being the best version of yourself, and remember that everyone is doing the best they can.
A previous version of this blog was published on Psychbytes.com.